a wild collective blog – originally posted on: October 12, 2018
I’m not sure if I’ve covered this before but even still, imbalances can change and come and go and shift as situations are never the same.
But I had an epiphany yesterday and I wanted to write it all out and down before the courage it takes to do so wanes and ultimately leaves me. I’ll explain what I mean by this later, or in another blog post, because that’s something else I’m contending with.
Anyway, imbalance. It occurred to me late last night that there’s this overwhelming and justifiably necessary need for balance in my professional and personal relationships. And sure, you may be thinking ‘duh, Jack, of course. All things equal, always.’ Let me assure you that I agree 100% with that!
Only…I’ve not been practicing this equality-centric mental attitude for a long time and it finally caught up and came to a head. I receded and shrank and let myself fall into a goopy state of despair yesterday. Because I confronted fears by voicing them to someone other than myself and while *parts *of these fears were laid to rest, most were not.
I’d even go so far as to say the ones that were not squashed were amplified. But in a weird, twisty turn of events, I’m grateful that what’s happened, has happened. Because it’s put into clear view how I’ve been giving it my all while getting the bare minimum in return. And I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve to work so hard and care so much only to lose sleep and wonder and think and contemplate and be *afraid *that I’m never going to be good enough. Or that I won’t ever do enough to be seen the way I want to be seen in their eyes…again. To understand, truly, despite what’s been said, that what once was, is no longer and I can’t get that back. It’s out of my control and always has been; what’s out of my hands was never really in my hands to begin with.
So, I have to find a way, for now, to move on and accept and be okay with it all. Because it’s not fair to give myself away to people and situations who don’t want me. It’s not right to be present and open and so fucking transparent that in the process I’ve become a ghost.
But if you’ve been here on this blog for any length of time, you know I’m best with lists and working through issues as I type. Which, I know is not a good tactic for bloggers, but guess what? I never made any claims to be an influencer or someone who conforms to the rules. And I never will be. So let’s quit the preamble and write these metaphors already…
An very scientific* examination of the problems that have lead me to see these stark imbalances:
Problem #1: I wasn’t told to get off the ride when it stopped. Truth be told, I didn’t even know it had stopped. They simply vacated their place and assumed I would, too. Only, perhaps they don’t know me well enough because I don’t give up. I’m relentless and woefully optimistic. Two qualities that signify “she just doesn’t get it,” sometimes, which therein lies the rub.
Problem #2: I don’t surrender to the fears others have because it’s not reciprocated. This means that what they fear, whatever it may be, is not the same for me. My fears almost always involve two things: Not good enough and then they leave.
Problem #3: I do all I can to keep a handful of folks I love and adore in my life as much as I’m able – and yes, this is selfish. But guess what? Very few do similarly for me. I often guess that if I up and disappeared tomorrow, they wouldn’t bat a lash. If I didn’t text or message here and there to check in or drop a hello, I don’t actually know how often we’d chat or what sort of friendship/relationship there would be. All this is to say that yes, I know I’m overwhelming and perhaps I stretch people too thin. Maybe I expect too much and I go too hard. But, *but, *I’m not a bad person and I do have a lot to offer. I’m loyal to a bloody, pulpy fault. But with this knowledge comes a sad realization that a few who know me intimately, abuse this from time to time. The “she will always be there” mentality.
Now, let’s breakdown some possible solutions:
Solution #1: If I leave, I leave. I don’t return. I pack it all up, seal the box and it becomes a “bad” in my mind; once this “bad” is triggered, my memory will slowly, steadily delete it from whatever corners that particular situation once occupied. Eventually I won’t remember or recall what was said, sent or shown, it’ll simply be as if it never happened. And yes, this sounds scary but that’s how my mind and memory have operated for as long as I can search backwards. The bad stuff is a hazy, uneasy void. But only *if *I classify it as such. And am I at that point? I don’t want to be but I can’t keep banging my head against the brick walls and not make the necessary changes. I suppose we will see.
Solution #2: Understand. Be more understanding to their fears and expect nothing in return. But I’ve done that since the beginning and again, it’s not reciprocated. So I believe it’s time to ask why and instead care for myself for a little while. Why is it that I always concern myself with their hangups above my own (of which there are plenty, as you well know)? If they won’t for me – something as simple as “How are you today?” or “Can I help?” is all it takes – yet they don’t, then I won’t for them. End of the line. Last stop.
Solution #3: Be less selfish (which is hilarious to say after sol #2). Be more patient. Let sleeping dogs lie and walk on. If it’s meant to be in my life, then it will be. If not, I will not attempt to force it a minute more. Those involved know clearly where I stand and what I feel and what I would do for them, but allowing this power to be held over my head like a noose is, shocking no one, suffocating me. While it is true that my emotions do not wane once they’re set and yes, there is no ebb to who I am, this endless chase is costing me. And it’s not that the price is too high, it’s that I don’t know if it’s even for sale anymore. Oh, metaphors.
In the end, the scales need to right themselves. With friendships, relationships, partnerships – it cannot be just *me *any longer and so I won’t allow for it. I’m pulling away because I’m hoping (there’s that optimism) it’ll help reset, but if not, well, I did all I could.